Elevator Music 2
by M-O and WALL-E
Summary: Sometimes it can be very awkward be stuck in an elevator with an old colleague. It certainly is for superheroes.


Elevator Music

_Superhero Edition_

On June 10th, 2009, Batman left the hotel room on the 31st floor and entered the elevator. He didn't give much thought to the flowery wallpaper and plain elevator music.

He went down to the 13th story and then the elevator stopped to admit a new passenger. Batman, being ever the detective, scrutinized the man closely, quickly analyzing his slicked back hair with a single curl falling, his long red cape, and yes, even that God-forsaken red underwear over his blue tights.

But Superman didn't give much thought to the dark shadow in a brightly lit elevator, Batman was just that skilled.

Suddenly the elevator plunged a few stories and stopped abruptly at the 7th floor, the lights flickering.

They went off after a few seconds. Superman reached over to the door to see if he could open it, but he couldn't. Not even super-strength, laser eyes, x-ray vision, super-hearing, super-breath, or running really fast helped.

"Swell," Superman sighed.

"You really didn't just say _swell_, did you?" Batman sneered and caused Superman to jump as he walked forward and pulled out tools to work on the control panel.

"Ah! Batman! I didn't know you were there!"

"I know." Batman stepped back after a few seconds, confused as to why he couldn't find the problem.

"Can you open it?"

Instead of answering with a sarcastic, 'does it look like I can open it?' Batman just said simply, "no, we'll have to wait for help."

"Just swell," Superman sighed again, but when Batman gave him a piercing look he gave a quick, "Sorry."

They stood silently for a few seconds when Superman began to glance over at Batman.

"Are you checking me out?" Batman asked gruffly, now shooting angry and disgusted looks to the other man.

"No! No, of course not!" Superman said, raising his hands defensively. "I was just admiring your new costume; Christopher Nolan did a really nice job on you."

"Thanks," but Batman shifted his cape over himself just in case

About three seconds passed before… "aren't you going to compliment me on _my_ suit?" Superman puffed his chest out, put his hands on his waist, and flashed his award winning smile.

"No."

"How rude."

"Tough."

A few more seconds passed before Superman decided he didn't like the silence. "So did you see _Superman Returns_?" he asked hopefully.

"What?"

"My most current movie. Didja see it?"

"No. I don't have time for movies."

"Not even a little bit? Like a preview or something?"

Batman sighed. "I might have seen a commercial or too," he supplied to stop the other hero's whining.

"And did you like it?" Superman now fully faced Batman to get his reaction.

"No."

"Why not?" Superman said dejectedly.

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because shut-up, that's why."

"Come on, I liked _your_ movie! There was action, thrill, mystery, and Heath Ledger was and outstanding Joker, though he did outshine you quite a lot." Batman gave him a confused look at the name, "Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't even see your own movie!"

"I lived it, why would I want to see it?"

"To make sure they put you in a good light, duh." Batman shot him another look. "Oh, sorry, I forgot I was talking to Mr. Anti-Edison over here." Superman rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well at least I actually _fought_ crime. What were you doing? Looking at Lois's underwear the whole time?"

"No, I stopped that when she caught me staring."

"So then you just flew around her house and watched from far away?"

"Yeah…I mean no! I would never-"

"Lie?"

"…Ok, so maybe I peeked a _little_…but I did fight in my movie!"

"Who?"

"You know…that one guy."

"You never hit anybody."

"Yeah, I punched…" Superman stopped to think for a second. "Oh my gosh, I really didn't fight at all, did I?"

"The six-year-old hit more guys than you. I, on the other hand, had to fight rabid attack dogs, police officers, drug dealers, psycho-paths with bazookas, and Batman posers. Who were your enemies?"

"Uh…a rich bald guy…and Kal Penn. No! Wait, there was a guy with a machine gun and he _shot_ me in the _eye!_"

"Aw, boo hoo, you poor baby. At least he didn't throw the gun, you might not have been able to duck in time," Batman said, his voice thick in sarcasm.

"Hey! Throwing guns is dangerous business!"

"Or it's just easier to make it look like bullets are hitting you than guns."

"Yeah, well at least in my older movies and shows the punches actually _connected_ with the guy. Does Adam West ring any bells?"

"Hey, don't bring that up, it was the sixties, things were…different…back than. And the police were useless; I had to be extravagant to get anything done."

"Well holy flamboyantly, Batman, sometimes adolescent boys in tights is a little too much," Superman said, shaking his head at Batman.

"He was 20 years old."

"What?"

"Burt Ward was 20 years old when he played Robin."

"Oh…that's…awkward."

They remained quiet for another minute. Batman kept looking over at Superman as if wanting to say something, but he kept stopping himself and staring at the door.

Finally, he mumbled, "it's the curl."

"What?"

"The curl. That's why I didn't like your movie, your stupid curl. It's always _there!_"

"You don't like my curl?" Superman asked, looking hurt as he reached up to lightly touch the black spiral of hair on his forehead.

"No! I hate it! I want to cut it off." Superman gasped, now completely covering it with both hands to protect it from Batman's mean words. "Do you realize how annoying it is? It keeps coming back! No matter what you do, it's there. When you fly at 100 miles an hour, it's there. When you fall into the ocean, it's a little soggy, but it's there. Even when you're supposedly dead in the hospital it's there! Is one of the doctors a dead man's hair stylist or something? Or did they just not realize that you came back to life, did your hair, and then died again? Seriously, the only time you don't have a curl is when you're Clark Kent or when you're being beat up by Lex Luthor's men. Which is why (besides the fact that you're being beat up by Lex Luthor's men) the kryptonite mountain was my favorite part (that and the cannibalistic dog, but I just don't like dogs.)"

"So you _did_ watch my movie?" Superman smiled.

Batman face-palmed himself and shook his head at Superman's idioticy. "Yes, alright? I saw it with Robin at the theaters."

"Wait, did you go there as Batman and Robin, or Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson?"

Resisting the urge to face-palm again, he hissed, "don't say our secret identities here, someone might hear you!"

"Oh yes, that man in the elevator shaft might be listening through the wall." Superman rolled his eyes.

"You never know." Batman swept the room with his eyes for camera and eavesdropping devices just in case. "Besides, just because you can conceal your secret identity with a pair of _glasses_, doesn't mean everyone has it that easy," he mocked.

"Hey, I've got a hat, too!"

"Oooo, a hat!" Batman teased.

"And don't forget the curl; it hides the secret identity of my forehead."

"So just because Clark Kent wears glasses and a hat and his hair isn't half as fancy, no one will notice that their co-worker is actually flying and wearing red underwear?"

"That's the plan," said Superman proudly as Batman scoffed.

"I don't believe it," he exclaimed. "I don't freakin' believe it. I've used so much _effort_, spent so much time and money trying to keep my _secret_ identity a _secret_ and you go gallivanting around, practically stalking Lois Lane as both Clark _and_ Superman and a building full of ace reporters don't even notice that you go missing every time Superman shows. I don't even have friends around to notice my absence but I still go to the extremes to pay for expenses, cover my trail, and-"

"Thaaat's great, can you show me a magic trick?

"-I've lied to people, had to threaten their lives, done things I'm not proud of, and what do you want me to do?!"

"Use your epically awesome super cool ninja skills to show me a magic trick." Batman blinked at Superman's child-like expression. Who could say no to a face like that?

"No," he said, his face red and still huffing from his secret identity rant.

"Please?" Superman gave him the puppy face again.

"It's not happening."

"Come on."

"Forget it."

"Just once?"

Batman sighed. "Fine, but just this once, got that?

"Yay!" Superman clapped his hands excitedly.

"Now you see me…" Batman deadpanned.

"Yeah, yeah," Superman nodded his head in anticipation.

"Now you don't." He put his cape in front of the lower part of his face and stepped back.

"Oh my gosh! You're gone! Batman, where'd you go?!" He looked around the now empty elevator in a panic, after all, how do you escape _Superman _in an_ elevator_?

"Boo." Batman appeared on the other side of Superman who literally jumped in the air and clutched his heart.

"Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Hey, you asked for it."

"Yeah, but I didn't want you to give me a heart attack."

"Don't blame me; I'm just doing what I do best."

"No, I'm not _blaming_ you; I just…got a little scared is all. I thought you might, you know, care."

"Oh…well…that's too bad for you, then, isn't it?"

"Yes, I guess it is," Superman replied, not realizing what he was saying.

They stood in silence for the fourth time that day. And for the fourth time, Superman interrupted Batman's beloved silence with randomness.

"Wanna play truth or dare?" he asked happily.

"No."

"Ok, I'll go first. I piiiiick…truth!"

"No."

"_Yes_."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes."

"_**No.**_"

"…"

"…"

"YES!"

"Fine!" Batman grinned as he thought of his question. "How was Superboy _really_ made?"

A moment of panic crosses Superman's face, "…pass."

"You can't pass!"

"Can too!"

"Can not!"

"Can too!"

"…"

"…"

"Can_ not_!"

"Can-too-hey-what's-that?" Superman said to quickly avoid the question. He pointed to a CD player abandoned in the corner. Batman picked it up and carefully looked it over. When he pressed play, a soft, melodious tune rang through the elevator.

"Oh my gawd! It's the Harry Potter theme song!" Superman screamed fan-girl style and snatched the CD player from Batman's hands.

"Who?"

Superman slowly turned and gave Batman a death glare. "Don't tell me you don't know who Harry Potter is!"

"I don't know who Harry Potter is." Superman gawked at Batman in confusion like he was a creature from outer space. "I'm just kidding, I _love _Harry Potter; you just don't look like Superman without that permanently confused expression on your face."

"Oh good!" Superman said, relieved, missing yet another insult. "'Cause I was gonna say, if you hadn't heard of _Harry Potter…_" Suddenly Superman grew suspicious. "Wait, you've heard of Twilight though, _right?!_"

Batman rolled his eyes. "Every true Harry Potter fan has heard of the _horrors_ of Twilight, Supes."

"Horrors? How can you say such things! As cool as Harry Potter is, Twilight is and always will be the better franchise."

"Oh puh-lease, the guy tries to pull off the whole 'vampire bat' thing, but he doesn't know the first thing about dark and scary."

"Oh yeah? Well what about Harry's whole, 'Boy-who-tried-to-kill-himself-at-age-five-with-a-kitchen-knife-but-just-gave-himself-a-weird-scar-on-his-forehead' thing? As superheroes, we cannot encourage emo-boys-who-live."

"But you can encourage abusive boyfriends and murderous teenagers?"

"Hey, Edward is _not_ abusive, he loves Bella!"

"Well, then again…you wouldn't know much about love, would you, Supes?"

"Whadya mean?" said Superman, his anger rising. "I love Lois, don't I?"

"Yeah, right. That's why you knocked her up and left for five years, right? _True love._" joked Batman.

"Hey man! She _never_ told me she was preggers! Okay?" defended Superman.

"Yeah, sure," sighed Batman.

"Well, you know, Batty, I wouldn't talk if I were you…" hinted Superman.

"Huh?" said a momentarily confused Batman.

"I mean…ya know…RACHEL!" Batman scowled. "Ha ha! See? You let her die!"

"I was doing what was righteous to the city and not what I wanted."

"Yeah, good excuse. Alfred might fall for that but I know you killed her because she was gonna marry Harvey Dent. You were jealous!" chided Superman.

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"Was _not!_"

"Were _too!_"

"Was **not!**"

"Yu-es!" Superman sang.

"NO!" roared Batman. Then he punched Superman in the nose who began to bleed. This shocked Superman because that meant kryptonite was nearby! Superman looked around and saw a glittering emerald ring on Batman's finger. Except maybe it wasn't emerald…

"Is that kryptonite?!" screamed Superman.

"Probably."

"ARG!" screamed Superman some more.

"You wanna wear it?" joked Batman. He moved it closer to Superman who flinched and put his hands over his head.

"AHH! NO! Get it away from me! Awaaaaay!"

"Ha-ha, jk, it's not really kryptonite; I got it in those 25 cent toy machines at the movie theater when we saw _Superman Returns_. Thought it might be useful."

"Oh. Maybe I'm just getting old."

"Yeah, here's my real kryptonite!" He reached into his utility belt for the green rock. When he pulled his hand out dramatically, there was a live fish in it.

"Is that a live fish?" Superman looked confused as it flopped in his face.

"Uh…why yes…yes it is… The true crime-fighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt." He threw the fish in a corner and started digging through the other pockets in his belt. Soon, he was forming a large pile on the floor with bat-gadgets such as Bat-rope, Bat-antidote Powder, Bat-acillin (in lozenge form to prevent infection), Anti Eavesdrop Bat-plugs, a Small Echoing Seal Pulsator, Super-thermalized Bat-skivvies (or bat-thermal underwear), a Trusty Bat-deflector, a Small Batcave Improvement Loan, an Empty Alphabet Soup Bat-container, Instant Unfolding Bat-costumes complete with Utility Belts ( just add warm water), Shark Repellent Bat-spray, All Purpose Bat-swatter, Three-Seconds-Flat Bat-vault Combination Unscrambler, Laser-gun, Emergency Tank of Bat-oxygen, and a Wayne Manor house key.

Finally he found the ring and tried to put in on his finger but it was too small. "Crap, it doesn't fit anymore," he said, still trying to stuff it on.

"Gained a little weight there, huh, Bats?" Superman laughed.

"Shut it," Batman shoved the ring towards the other man who flinched away with a small squeak.

"Get it away from me!" Superman screamed.

"I think not!" Batman moved it closer and Superman began cowering in the corner, they both knew what Batman had been waiting to do for years…

Then quite suddenly, the elevator doors opened. They looked at it in amazement. They looked at each other again. Batman put the ring away and helped Superman up. They briefly shook hands.

"See you at the next Justice League meeting," said Superman.

"Yeah, see you around," said Batman. He put back everything from his utility belt.

They left the elevator and went in separate directions, both set on watching _Superman Returns _and_ The Dark Knight _when they got home to compare them.

It had been a strange day indeed.


End file.
